Deafness by choice

God reminded me of a very profound truth recently, and as I’ve been growing closer to Him again, I’ve realized it was always me who pulled away, He was always there, waiting for me to return to Him…

When you make up your mind that there is something you won’t do for God, it doesn’t matter if that is or is not what He wants, you have already shut down, and shut Him out.

Guilty as charged. When ex walked out the front door and up that hill, I made up in my mind what I was going to do, and I decided then and there that I would not let God talk to me about reconciliation. I became hard & stubborn – and I protected my wounds from my God, my Healer, my Wonderful Counselor. The only one that could truly administer healing to my hurting heart was waiting for me to come to Him, and I stomped my foot and told Him that reconciliation was not an option, and I then refused to receive anything from Him.

I know God is a God of reconciliation and restoration. I know God is not for divorce. I knew that I had contributed to the marital problems that drove us apart, so while I wanted to stand on the whole adultery “clause” for getting out of a marriage, somehow I didn’t think I could. So I got out the brick & mortar and I built a very cold wall. With every brick I laid down, and every swipe of mortar across the top to add another, I kept telling God, “Don’t tell me about reconciliation.” You want to know the most dangerous part about this? Because I wouldn’t hear a message about reconciliation in my marriage, I also couldn’t hear a message about the reconciliation God offered us through Christ on the cross and raised from the dead.

I wanted to serve God, I wanted to be close to Him, I wanted His hand working in my life. I would see glimpses of it, and I longed for it. I felt empty. I tried to go to church, but even regular attendance to church dropped off because I would hear that repeated message of reconciliation and I would scream “NO!” at the top of my lungs. That man hurt me too bad for me to hear this from You. You know the wounds, but since You seem to poke at them, I’m going to withdraw further, and all along it was my mis-perception, my misunderstanding, my lack of trusting that God can do all things. That Christ is my strength. That God has healing, even for broken, sinful me.

Almost dying sure changed my perspective, and I realized that God didn’t go anywhere…and God didn’t build that brick wall (and what a sloppy, messy wall it was!). That was my doing, because I refused to hear God – I refused to hear God on something that I’m not sure He was saying at the time. I know God’s heart is for reconciliation and restoration, and I know now that God doesn’t expect me to chase after that in my own strength. Rest assured, I am not strong enough to live that out through all the hurts in my life. I do, however, serve a God that brings healing to the wounded and hope to the lost, and as He fills my cup, and as I press into Him, He shines through. His strength fills me, and even when I feel like I can’t do it, He nudges me on, and holds me up.

Have you ever told God that there is something you won’t do? Was He really asking you to do that, or was it something you decided you would never let Him ask you to do? How did you overcome that and where are you in your relationship with God now?

2 thoughts on “Deafness by choice”

  1. >I praise God that your heart was opened and I praise Him for the glorious work He has performed in you – I can't tell you how much He amazes me and encourages me, through you! 🙂 I often find myself thinking you'll respond a certain way – and you don't, and I'm reminded that in Christ we are truly transformed! I love you!


  2. >I decided that God let me be abused, therefore he obviously did not love me. I was not loveable to myself- let alone anyone else. I also had a brick wall (nice and neat haha) to keep God, people and the neighbors away from me.It took being arrested to break my heart open enough to find God, to feel God's love and to realize that God never let me get hurt. People did that and as I walk thru this life, learning forgiveness of others I grow in love with people. I am glad when a neighbor stops by or calls, I am happy when my husband wants me to sit with him in front of his TV, I am grateful I learned to like me- so maybe others can learn to love God thru me.I pray daily- all day w/o ceasing- I LOVE to read my bible and am looking for a church to call home!


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