Keep writing. Something, whether in my book or on my blog, every day. I always seem to get my feet back under me when I’m writing. Something about engaging that part of my brain and letting my imagination, or my thinker, churn out a page (or ten!) or a blog post, seems to always make me feel a little more enthusiastic.
And exercise. Back to the walking. I guess that’s technically two steps, but I think I can handle them both. Something to focus on, to help me move forward.
I made it to church this morning. I know I shouldn’t doubt God, and I know that given my wish for a healthy relationship, the talks about how to have healthy relationships shouldn’t upset me, but they do. I don’t know if it’s because they remind me that I failed, or if I feel like I’ll never find the kind of guy that is talked about in relationship messages, or what. But I get upset. Usually I cry like a baby, today I got annoyed. Actually, I got down right mad. I wanted to hear something else. But I know that God can handle me at my worst, and at my best, and I can admit that it made me mad. And I am going to try to be back next week. Because you know, maybe these messages are coming at a time when I need them…because I’ve been lonely and I’ve wanted a guy around to do the “boy jobs” and I think that I needed a reminder to trust God’s timing, God’s plan, and that He is enough.
Those last three words were hard to type. I am not trusting God to be enough, at all. Ever. Not in the still quiet moments when I am alone, not when I’m lonely in a crowd, not when I’m “man hunting”. I’m afraid of what God wants me to do…so afraid that I won’t ask him what it is exactly that He wants me to do. This is about to be the really raw stuff….bare with me.
I am afraid that our really big God, who is completely for reconciliation (hence the reason He sent His Only Begotten Son…), is going to expect me to be that big. And quite frankly, I’m not. While I was not a perfect wife, I really did try. And I think I gave enough, but then I feel so guilty and so stand off-ish that I won’t even approach God about it, because I’d rather not know, than know that I’m failing God, too. Sometimes I wish He sent messages in the form of a letter, so I could read it and figure out what He wants, but then again, I don’t know if I would even open it. I am not still mad about the things that happened between my ex and I. In fact, I am able to be thankful for the lessons I learned, and the ways that I was able to grow. I can see him on a near daily basis without picking senseless fights, and we are doing the best we can to raise our kids. It doesn’t mean it never hurts to think about the losses, but I do believe I have forgiven him. I just have never been comfortable seeking God since the split because I’m afraid He’ll tell me I’m doing something wrong…