I’ve always had a lot of direction in life, and sometimes it has been overwhelming. I have these big dreams swirling around in my head and some of them I’ve chased, many of them I feel like I’ve failed, and some I think I’ll never even go for. Lately, however, it’s been a different story for me. I’ve had no direction, I’ve had little drive, and my motivation has slipped away. I don’t know where or when it started, or what caused it, but the world’s been looking a little grey. I don’t feel like anything in life is challenging me mentally, I’m just kind of floating through each day.
I’ve been hoping for some spark, some moment, some event or person to drop into my life with some big arrow that points me toward something and gets me busy again. Yet, nothing has come. I suppose the kind of motivation and drive that I’m looking for can only stir up from within me. I keep talking about setting some goals and working toward them and pushing forward but then I don’t move, I don’t make the goals, I don’t push forward. I don’t understand these times in life, and I don’t really know what to do with them. Occasionally I worry that this is the calm before the storm, but this has been carrying on for a while so I’m not sure I’m right to think that. I think I gave up on accomplishing anything.
And as I am writing this, I’m even questioning why I’m going to post another debbie downer blog – I’m just whining again. But I am writing it, in hopes that maybe I’ll find something within me through writing. It works that way quite often for me. My greatest inspiration and motivation often comes from stripping away the layers and writing out what’s going on within me. I have been looking at classes online again, but this awful voice in my head says I’ve waited too long to worry about college, I need to just work and forget it.
I even found myself wondering where God went the other day. I counter that quickly with being angry at myself for letting my relationship with Him grow weak. But I don’t know where to start to right the order of things in my life. I do know that my goal is to make it to church in the morning, and I was thinking about picking up my camera again and taking pictures. But I have pictures from October that need to be edited and I haven’t even touched them.
I need a dose of enthusiasm and a direction to go – and tonight I’m wishing those things came in 20oz bottles at the local convenience stores – ya know, like a coke?