In case you haven’t noticed by the debbie-downer posts, I’ve been struggling. I hate when my feet can’t find the ground beneath them and it feels like I’m in free fall mode. The inner dialogue that usually drives me forward had beaten me down, and I couldn’t put my thumb on why. I have sought validation in a serious kind of way lately, but nothing that has been said to me did anything more than put a band-aid over the wound, and it usually came off within a short time.
Then, tonight, driving home from a friend’s birthday party, it hit me. I realized the moment that I lost my footing, and that realization gave me the power to move past it. It’s hard to move past something when you don’t recognize.
Have you ever had someone say something to you that gave you mixed emotions? (If your answer isn’t yes, then I’m going to wonder how many someone’s you’ve ever had a conversation with…) In October I was told a few different things, and I was never willing to admit that it hurt. In fact, I got mad and used that as the vehicle to keep me from admitting to the people around me that I was hurt.
Rejection never comes easy, but it is often a necessary teaching method to help us grow and become who we were created to be. The things that were said to me left me feeling like I was less than good enough – especially when I realized within a few days that they were empty words, a cover up and an excuse because there was something better to do. Or someone better to have. I had my mind set on something, and was the only one that felt that way. It happens. And the anger I felt over a comment about my independence was the only emotion I would admit to having. But it’s not all there was.
I was left staring at the still empty void of my dream of married life. I was left feeling like I didn’t amount to enough, and it left me bruised. But because I wouldn’t acknowledge any of this, I couldn’t get over it. I sank, quickly, into a whirlwind of uselessness. I gave up on the dreams I had chased, because suddenly I was no longer good enough for any of those things.
But, the truth is, I am good enough. I was created for more than this aimless wandering, this wounded living. I was made to blossom and grow, and I have a lot to offer my friends and family. I don’t know that I’ve learned enough from this situation. I don’t know how to not let someone (or someone’s words) affect me in such a negative way. But I am learning, and hopefully I’ll learn from the wise words of my bestie: “Do not ever let someone take away your power.” (or self-worth, or confidence) If things don’t jive, and someone doesn’t stick around, it doesn’t take away from who I am, or who they are. It just means it wasn’t meant to be.