It’s amazing how much has been going on in my head lately. I’ve sorted through the mess of thoughts and doubts, the mess in my house, and trying to put some order to the craziness that is my life. I’m feeling like myself once again and I am finding some excitement for and toward life.
I’ve figured out a few things – and the big one that keeps playing on repeat in my head is this: the greatness that I want my life to be isn’t going to just happen. The changes I want, won’t just happen. I have to be better, be stronger, push harder, and keep working at it. I have to remember that life is full of ups and downs, and even when things are down I can’t give up.
I got kind of boy crazy for a minute – being single really was messing with me. I wanted the fairy tale picture of a family, and I was allowing my life to become defined by the lack of a relationship. That’s insane when I really think about it. There has been a running joke that I can’t keep a man around, and while it is funny in so many ways, I was really hurting inside from the feelings of rejection and the extreme insecurity I was feeling.
I am a lot to take on – I am a giant mess and I’ve lived a crazy life. I have grown and changed in so many ways in the last few years that sometimes even I can’t keep up with all the changes! Yet, I also have a lot to offer. And there are so many goods things in my life, I don’t have to have a relationship to define who I am or what I am good at.
I have two amazing sons that need me to learn how to be the best I can be, every day…every moment…every second. I have a huge role in their lives, to shape, lead, guide, and teach them. And to love them. And if I’m selfishly wrapped up in myself then I am not serving them the right way. I’ll elaborate on this in my next post, because it’s a big thought for me.
I am writing again, I am working on the novel I started before, and I am also outlining a new one. I have learned that if I shut down the creative side of myself, and stop taking pictures, stop writing, stop scrapbooking….and do nothing to let the creativity flow, I begin feeling very trapped in my life. So, I am going to keep putting some order back into my life, and I am going to make the changes I need to make to be better. Sometimes opportunities don’t knock, sometimes you have to create them.