I should have started writing this post sooner… because I had a whole list of really positive revelations that I was going to write about. I kept putting it off because I was sleepy or busy or some other mom-thing. So, tonight I’m writing for therapy because I am having a hard time with something.
Unfortunately one of the boys is struggling in day care. He is disrespecting his teachers and not getting along with the other kids. He’s being unruly on the field trips and I am at a loss. I instantly hear and feel all of the negative things that I’ve heard about my parenting skills (or lack thereof) and I can’t help but feel like this is all my fault. And I’m angry. I was not ever going to have the problem kid (let me guess, nobody plans for that, right?) I had such a plan for how I would raise my kids and how great our lives would be and somehow, I failed to re-write my plans. I just started taking things one day at a time.
Wait…I guess I need to slow down here and say, I needed to learn that a little bit. I often was so wound up trying to plan or execute a plan, that if anything changed my plans, I became impossible to deal with. (Me? No way!) I’m glad I’ve learned to roll with the punches, I’m generally less stressed, and I like being able to enjoy the things that change my plans. However, I think my parenting has suffered.
I used to be pickier about what my kids ate, their level of physical activity, and the brain challenges they got every day. I used to be more dedicated to praying with them, working on daily devotionals or bible reading, taking them to church. Now we just make it through one day at a time…I’m not very picky about what they eat (and let me tell you, lately it’s been highly processed “quick” foods. Bleh!) Physical activity isn’t being neglected because they get lots of outside time at day care, so that takes the burden off me. But I haven’t been working on anything brain-healthy lately, and honestly, it’s been a month of Sunday’s since we’ve been to church. I don’t even know if we still have a kid’s devotional, because I’m not sure it got packed when we had to move. I guess when we get everything out of storage I’ll be able to better assess that.
Along with all of the rational things I can think of that make this my fault, there’s the added negativity of some awful things that have been said to me about my ability to raise the boys. And here I sit, writing this all out, trying to figure out what to do. I feel like the escalating punishments are doing nothing to get through to him. Next, he loses a couple of field trips. But I have that awful feeling like that’s not going to do any good.
You must know there is a Momma Bear in me that just wants to protect my baby from the mean people that are pointing the finger. I want to pull him out of day care, and home school him again. I want to keep him close by me, because I feel like then I have the ability to change the direction things are going. All I get now is the negative report at the end of the day, then the few hours we get together, are just filled with more negativity. And I feel defeated. And I know he is frustrated. And I just see this getting worse. And I’m lost. I don’t know what to do. And I don’t feel any better after writing this, which is unusual… Guess I’ll start my next post….it’s a little more encouraging than this one, so stay tuned.