I had an epiphany tonight (Sunday, April 29, 2012)….
I have not consistently gone to church for a while. When I first moved out to the bestie’s and got the golf course job, I quit going because I worked on Sunday. Then, when I didn’t work on Sunday, I just didn’t have the energy.
Then one day, I realized that a church closer to me was being led by a Pastor I really liked/respected and thought maybe I’d start going to church there. And I went for a while. Then I took the ex along with me, because I was always trying to get along and do the right thing and blah blah blah. Then I left Blanchard, ended up back in Norman, and started going to a different church in Norman. Then the bottom fell out with the ex (again…who saw that coming…?) and I quit going to church.
I always just blamed myself for not wanting God to tell me that divorce was wrong. Now, I’m not going to try to condone divorce, because truly, I don’t believe in it. I also don’t believe in living in an adulterous relationship.
Tonight, I realized that maybe I’m not quite so worried about what God might say, as to what people will say. And this next statement is probably a little bit harsh, and judgmental, and I may get called out for it…but I think it’s time that I call a spade, a spade…. Watching my ex’s on again, off again, pseudo-faith, and watching him walk into a church that meant so much to me, that is filled with people that mean so much to me, and assuming that they think he’s the good guy, infuriates me. In fact, it makes me so mad I can’t hardly see straight. I want to stamp “fraud” on his forehead, and I want to stand before all of those people and defend myself, and my absence from weekly services. But in the end, I doubt it would do me much good, and I’m learning that the people that want to be part of my life aren’t standing in judgment.
(Note: the above statement is not meant to ever say that I did it all right, because I have never once tried to tell any one that I didn’t screw some stuff up in that failed relationship. I’m human, and I mess up – I am in as desperate need of grace as anybody else…)
I can’t say that I’ve never doubted God’s presence in my life these last three years, but I can say, looking back, that He has been there through it all. And my faith is a little bit stronger than I give myself credit for. And church is only about the people in so much as I can offer in service to making someone else’s life better – and the church is a great place to find people to connect with to serve, and to serve alongside. Church isn’t supposed to be about impressing people, or proving who is right….and maybe I need to work on forgiveness a little bit more…I should be able to walk into the same church as anybody else, and not spend my time worrying about what they’ve done wrong in any area of their life – whether is has anything to do with me or not….
So while this was my closing statement a second ago: “I think maybe it’s time to give myself permission to try a different church, I’m moving anyway…maybe finding one closer to home would be good for me….” and I’m not withdrawing it as a statement/something for me to consider, I should add: I should work on forgiveness a little bit more and remembering to make sure my heart is right with God and not worrying so much about what people think (whether of their own accord or by the persuasion of someone else’s words/actions).