This is the first of a multi (I’m thinking four) part blog on social media and how it effects our lives, how we can use it better, and why I think it matters. I am dedicating this first post to relationships, and the good, bad and ugly affects of social media on our relationships.
I’m thinking specifically about spousal relationships, but I’m sure that some of this stuff applies to all relationships on one level or another. Social media poses a number of threats to relationships that I think we should be particularly aware of and prayerfully guarded against. A specific threat that comes to mind is the ability to connect with people of the past. This is not always a good thing, and can lead to hurt feelings, anxiety, mistrust and cover-ups, and even the ultimate demise of a relationship.
Sometimes, those people that we lost touch with, are not any better for us now. And if we are talking about an ex-partner, a high school sweetheart, or even just a really big crush, but now we are married, it is probably best to let those people only be memories. It’s very easy to romanticize the past, remembering it better than it was, and soon, people start loathing their spouse and all the little annoying things that person does. If the person of the past is doing anything to encourage fantasizing about what could be, it won’t take long before we check out of our current relationship and go in search of what could have been.
My point: reconnecting with people is not always a good idea. Some people are meant to live in our memories and our yearbooks, but not in our present day life. We’ve made a commitment to our partner to let those people go, and when we invite them and their influence into our lives, we can send a very bad message to our partner – a message that looks a lot like “You’re not good enough”, “I don’t want you anymore”, “I’ve moved on”, among others.
So, should we avoid social media altogether? That’s a personal choice, and I believe that some people should. Especially when social media is used to go looking for something/someone better, then I think it may be time for the account(s) to be deactivated. I don’t think everyone needs to stay away from social media, however. We are aware of our own weaknesses and temptations, and that should help us determine our involvement with social media.
I would recommend being cautious and wise with our use of social media. Something I think is important for people to remember if they are going to use social media: don’t be afraid to deny friend requests and block people that aren’t good for your marriage. Show your spouse that you respect the relationship you have with them by not accepting friend requests and not connecting with people that will be bad for your relationship.
Your new wife does not want to hear about that high school girlfriend you never got over. Your husband of ten years does not want to hear about the guy in college that you almost married. And your heart and mind should be focusing on making your marriage the best it can be, not focusing on what could have been with someone who was once long gone.
Have you ever reconnected with someone who you shouldn’t have?
Regina Walker 
So I read this last week, but was rushing off and didn’t take the time to give it a lot of thought and comment. But, just rewarded myself for getting paid by getting the new Brad Paisley CD, which is awesome. And one of the songs deals with this very topic, which brought back to mind this blog post. I started thinking it over, and I’m not sure I agree. Here’s why:
If you meet an old flame on FB and start an affair, you’re a cheater. Not a Facebook Cheater, just a cheater. I don’t make this comment as a judgement on anyone -I don’t know the circumstances of anyone’s life, haven’t walked in their shoes, and absolutely cannot judge. But all FB can provide is an opportunity to meet someone. Being ‘good’ because you don’t have an opportunity to be bad isn’t being good, lol. I would liken it to a conversation about training that Bob and I regularly have. When you start a young horse, you do what you can to make the right option the only option, installing habits of good behavior. But Bob always points out that, since we can’t control every variable that a horse may encounter in it’s life, as training progresses, you want to make sure you give the critter room to err. This way, it learns to think it’s own way out of trouble. It would be nice if people would similarly develop the ability to think their own way out of trouble prior to embarking on marriage, lol. But either way, I guess I would say that failure to cheat in the absence of opportunity to cheat is not particularly laudable.
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Okay, so I have mulled this over and over. I love the training analogy, and remember many days of placing tarps and plastic bags and other “spooky things” where the human knew and could be prepared, and the horse could react and eventually learn to not react (or at least, to not dump their rider!) I miss those days. But I don’t think it’s the same with the temptation to sin. I think we should avoid temptation – especially if we know we are weak in an area. Not cheating in the absence of an opportunity may be due to the dedication to not find, create, seek out, or stumble upon an opportunity. If we know that we are coming up on a pit of snakes, we alter our course. If we know we are approaching an area of temptation, it is wise to change our course. I think it is about having the forethought, and intentionally seeking to protect the covenant of marriage. (Am I making any sense?) Thank you for reading and commenting, dear cousin. It means the world to me that you are involved in this endeavor!
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Your welcome, I really enjoy your writing! 🙂
So I thought about this a lot. And I suppose that I agree with you -kind of. Which is to say that, if a person feels they are in danger, then yes, avoiding temptation is the right thing for them to do. But if I imagine myself in the position of the other person in this scenario, all I can think is, if my partner, that I loved, were to close out their FB account, and informed me it was for the purpose of avoiding temptation, my heart would break. It wouldn’t honestly matter, at that point, whether they had actually cheated or not, because the fact that they were tempted to stray would indicate to me that they didn’t hold the same level of affection for me as I held for them. I mean, I guess this is kind of beyond the scope of your original post, but I suppose it was part of what was informing my thought processes -the idea that wanting to cheat is as bad as cheating, itself. For the cheater, it isn’t -you can’t necessarily control your desires, only your actions, and it does show fortitude to take the steps necessary, whatever they may be, to ensure that you act in a forthright manner, even when that is contrary to your desires. So I do agree with you there.
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Wish I had said that. I do not feel ashamed that I have not gone to any class reunions. I have lived all over the country making news friends. I have moved on. I have matured, so I do not want to be stuck as a kindergartner.
good advice. thanks.
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
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Great post, Regina, you’ve brought up some very good points. I think it’s a good idea to avoid re-connecting with people whom you might have had emotional feelings about in your past. And the time you might spend online will just take away time and energy that you could spend with your family.
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Exactly, Amy. By making the investment in your family, you (and they) will be happier and more satisfied, too. Thank you for your comment!
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Social media definitely enabled my ex-husband in his philandering. However, it also aided me in finding my current husband, who is a wonderful man. I think social media is like anything else in the world; it has good and bad points and we need to be mindful of both.
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Kay, you are very right. We have to be careful with how we use it, but there are good things too. I enjoy keeping up with family and even a girl I grew up with, among other people, via social media. Thank you for commenting!
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This is a really good point and one that is well taken. I have never reconnected with old flames from the past, but I do know people who have, and it definitely has the ability to affect one’s marriage. Great post!
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Thank you for commenting, and way to go on not reconnecting with old flames!
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No. My my affair would have NEVER happened if it weren’t for Facebook. I just want to emphasize the point that you are making here about how we need to avoid the temptation. We should not be private messaging anyone (opposite sex) from our past or not!
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Wow, thank you for your honesty and for taking the time to read my post.
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You’re welcome. I guess when you make a mistake like I did, you usually want something GOOD to come out of it, so you look for others to help.
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