(I originally posted this here on April 29, 2012. That really great guy I was seeing? He gave me his last name this year in February. Those fears? I should have written them down, because I don’t remember what I was referring to that I didn’t share. Now, we have a baby girl to love on and pray over and teach about God and help her discover His purpose for her. Right now, I’m learning new things from our baby, and I’m learning to be more intentional with my writing, too. Enjoy!)
I’ve tried to adopt a lifestyle of always being willing to learn – about how things work, about people, about the world and anything else that isn’t covered by those categories. Lately, it seems like I’ve been learning more about people/relationships between people than anything else….well, actually, I’ve been learning how to operate a tow truck, too. And process land surveys. I guess I’m learning a lot these days – which for me, is a great thing!
I’ve also been learning a lot about myself, so I guess I’ll start there. Some of these are not new lessons, just reminders that I happen to need OFTEN.
I cannot please everybody. In fact, it’s becoming quite apparent to me that the only people that will ever be truly pleased with my performance, happen to also be the people that are pleased with their own lives. Or they are generally the people that see past performance straight to the heart of me.
I want the people in my life to know that I value them, as an individual, more than I value being right, more than I value what stuff they have, or what they are giving to/doing for me. However, sometimes even a sincere apology is not heard or noticed, or is intentionally ignored/thrown away. And it hurts when people value their pride more than a relationship. I can chose to be bitter or just let it go.
I’ve learned that not all relationships are healthy and there are people in my life that I have given too much to for too long. I’m working to change that, in my own way. I have a hard time in this area because I am very afraid of being selfish in the way I live my life, and I know that nothing good comes from selfishness…but I’m realizing that it’s okay if I don’t meet every request (or demand) that people try to place on my time and space.
This should be further up on the list, but this list isn’t in order of importance…. it’s just as it comes to mind right now. I have two of the most amazing boys in the world, and I want them to know how much they mean to me. I also want to show them how to live with integrity, and I want them to know that life isn’t all about them. I want them to know they were created by God with a purpose, and I want them to know they are loved.
This is a big one, and I’m not sure I have all the words for this part of my post. I am seeing a really great guy, and he swept me off my feet and captured my heart. I am very thankful to have him in my life, and I am excited for all that the future holds. With that being said, I’m learning about some of my fears, too. I spent some time thinking I’d never have a serious relationship – me and my kids are a lot to deal with, not to mention, I have some huge insecurities. Keeping that in mind, I also wanted to make sure that I had let past wounds heal up, and had unpacked, put away and dealt with as much of the baggage from past relationships as possible before being in a new relationship. I don’t want the past to cloud my judgement for the now/future. I don’t ever want to make anyone feel like they are being held accountable for the mistakes and crimes of another person. I don’t want to make unnecessary/unfair comparisons because of a hurt I suffered in the past. And I thought I had done a fine job of forgiving, moving on, healing, and getting over the past. I still think that I had done alright, but I didn’t realize that some of the healing could only come by taking the risk involved in trusting someone new.
I had a little tiny thought in my head that I might have some fears – and to be honest, I thought the biggest fear would have something to do with cheating or as I typically say: “finding something better to do”. Buzz wrong. That is the least of my concerns.
I’m going to leave you hanging, because I’m not ready to post what the biggest fears are, but they surprised me. And I’m working through them. And thanking God for a bestie that can remind me to “relax and enjoy”. I don’t want fear to control/cloud my judgement anymore than I want resentment, unforgiveness, anger or bitterness to do so. Unfortunately, fear can be really irrational at times, and it definitely has to be dealt with…
What have you been learning lately? About yourself? The world? Your kids? Share your thoughts in the comments section below!