We all have moments in life that change things. Things that happen over time, or things that happen in an instant, but they change our perspective, our attitude, or even the entire course of our life.
I had one of those moments this year. After finally discussing with my doctor some of the things I experience that aren’t quite within the range of normal, she sent me for an MRI. I guess when I shared the reading with a friend, and googled some of the terminology, I realized what it said, but the truly defining moment happened with doctor officially said it:
Chiari Malformation I.
I told myself in the days following that appointment that learning I have Chiari changes nothing. I’ve had it my whole life, and our God is mighty and protective and He had carried me through all of the things that I’d done in life.
But the truth is, when she said to watch jarring or bouncing activities, and to be conscious of anything that could cause a brain injury, it really changed a lot of things.
In some ways, it feels like finding out I have Chiari changed everything. Some times it is empowering to be learning what can trigger my headaches (which she classified as migraines, but I still have a hard time calling them that). Some times it is disappointing to know that it’s not in my best interest to ride roller coasters or go sky diving.
I even drive differently. I’ve always been a cautious driver, but even more so now. I don’t want to find out what whiplash means to my brain hernia. I just don’t.
Having a name for it, really being able to tell myself there is a reason for the bad days has helped ease my guilt over those days – so just because naming it changed everything, some of those changes are good changes. Before I knew, I beat myself up when I couldn’t get something done, when the pain was too much, and I had to give in. I pushed through the bad pain days and didn’t give my body the rest it needed, which just resulted in worse days.
I’ve been actively working on giving myself permission to rest when I need it. To listen to the start of the pain, and ease up a little, slow down a little. It’s not easy, I’m a work in progress.
I’m also learning to rely on Jesus more and more. His strength is made perfect in my weakness and this isn’t permanent. This world is not my home and I know whether I see healing on this side of Glory or not, when I enter in to Heaven’s Gate to worship my God and my Savior, there will be no more pain, no more suffering, no more brain hernia.
One of my favorite things about this journey this year is seeing how God was working years ago, leading up to this point. He put some very specific people in my life to speak words of life, healing, and love over me and to me. He sent me friends that would point me ever toward Him, reminding me to praise, helping me see the good, lifting me up, and never letting me feel alone.
It’s a pretty big thing to say I learned my brain is falling out of my head this year, and to also be able to say, “But I haven’t felt alone on this road.”
I remember telling myself as I sat down in the seat of my car after my doctor’s appointment, “I’ll never write about this. It doesn’t get to change my writing. It doesn’t change anything.” Cue writer’s block, because writing is how I process life. So I’m writing about it, and I’ll mention it when it’s relevant I’m sure, but that’s not all I’ll write about. In fact, of all the things Chiari could change for me, it doesn’t take writing away, and that is a great relief to me.
Chiari wasn’t the first thing that ever changed everything for me, and I doubt it will be the last. It’s just the most recent, the thing that I’m learning about in this season of life.
Have you ever had a “changed everything” moment in life? Tell me about it in the comments.
4 thoughts on “It Changes Things”
Chiari indeed does change things in your life. I think I can actually say that my life very much revolves around my condition.
The day I had a “heart attack” I was 23 years old and I had ALL of the classic heart attack symptoms. The panic set in- I am too young- my son is only 3, who is going to take care of him. Of course dying of a heart attack at 23 was not God’s plan for me, but rather a door opening to explain complications I have always had. Angina, or mimic/false heart attack, caused by anxiety. At 23 I finally received a name for my short comings, my insomnia, hair pulling, nail bitting, stomach pain causing, breath stealing, relationship destroying demon. Anxiety wreaked it’s havoc all over my life, it also stole many potentially fun times away from me. Now I know more of why I can and cannot so some things, today I am stronger for having the power to say “I am sorry, I am struggling with my anxiety today.” It changed everything.
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That does change everything. I am glad you have found strength in naming and understanding more about anxiety.
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