Here we are, 5 days past the boys leaving home. Through a series of events, I was persuaded to offer my 13-year-old the choice to go live at his dad’s. As I suspected, he jumped on the opportunity with an immediate and unwavering, “YES!”
My 12-year-old son wanted the same choice and while I was reluctant at first, I finally caved and gave him the choice. Without hesitation, he said, “YES!”
My thoughts battled back and forth over letting the boys choose, it was one of the hardest things I’ve faced. I submitted my thoughts to God in prayer, and I can’t tell you how thankful I am that we serve an involved God. He whispered to my heart so many precious things.
He walked me down memory lane – to a moment with a much younger me. I sat on the side of my bed, scared that I hadn’t gotten pregnant in a year, listening to the man I was married to remind me that we prayed we wouldn’t have a baby until we were ready and God had faithfully answered that prayer.
“Well I’m ready, I want to have a baby.” I declared.
So we prayed together to have a baby, and 6 weeks later I got a positive pregnancy test, and some months later, my firstborn son rested in my arms, content, round, and perfect.
The gentle voice of the Holy Spirit as we walked this path of memories reminded me that God has not been surprised by a single thing from the moment I held that pregnancy test, until today. Not the things in my life, my ex’s life, or our son’s life. None of it has surprised him.
Better still, as I questioned, as I wrestled, God knew all that was coming and He picked us to be the parents of two amazing young men. I was starting to see more clearly, but I can’t say I didn’t still want to argue. Yet the more I prayed, the more questions I asked, the more clarity I begged for, the more God pointed me toward this choice.
So Wednesday arrived in a rush, and the boys left on an airplane, and I teetered on the edge of peace that exceeds all understanding, and the abyss of human emotion and lost dreams.
Wednesday was also our first night back to Switch for the school year. I was enjoying the kids and other leaders and really not sure if I would keep volunteering on Wednesday night now that the boys were so far away and not in Switch anymore. Then worship happened. And as the band began to play, I felt the void at my side where my 12-year-old would stand and worship with me. It was our thing, every week. He would leave his friends and come worship with me. The tears started there and lasted through the end of the set.
Despite the flood of emotion, our good God was still whispering to me. Reminding me that we often see God first through our earthly father. Whether we get a great representation of who God is through our earthly father or a terrible one. God uses that to reconcile us to Him and to help us see Him. The boys experienced years of absence following some yucky choices their dad made. That time was excruciating for them. If God can use the reparation of their connection with their earthly father to reconcile them to Him, then I surrender my control. We don’t see God through our mom the same way we do through our dad.
I started to wrestle with this again and I wanted to start reminding God of everything that has occurred in the last 13 years, He asked me if I thought He couldn’t use all of it? Well no, that’s the case. I know He can. God often redeems our greatest pain for His greatest glory. May it be so in the lives of my children.
So here we are, 5 days in. So long as I take all of my concerns to the cross, I am met with a peace that I cannot describe. While several people have raised their eyebrows and I’ve been tempted to turn in His peace for my control, I’ve also been met with a great deal of encouragement. I’ve heard over and over how boys their ages need their dad during the next couple of years. I’m praying God uses this to grow and shape them into men who serve Him boldly, faithfully, and for their entire lives.
Until next time,