Like a Weight was Lifted

I went to bed last night feeling a little bit unsure. It was harder than I imagined bidding the feed store farewell. I knew it was the right decision but it can be hard to let go of ideas, hopes, and dreams for something – especially something that I envisioned being part of my life for the next 30, 40, 50 years.

Then I slept. Sleep is refreshing. I think it is some important to remember that how we are feeling when we are tired and depleted is not an accurate picture of a situation.

I woke up earlier than usual, refreshed, ready, and making plans for our family, our home, our farm, and our journey forward. I feel the creative brewing and the drive to write once again.

I was measuring my success against someone else’s and in the comparison game, I always come up short. But this morning I see it around me, the success we’ve had, the joy we’ve experienced, all of the growth individually and as a family. I am ready for what’s to come.

The Mister and I are spending our morning deciding what direction to take the farm, what our farm goals are, and then comes business planning for his business. We have our work cut out for us this weekend setting goals and creating a path and plan to achieve those goals.

Have you set goals for this year? I would love to hear what they are!

Until next time,
blue signature

Advertisements
Posted in family, homeschooling, life, marriage | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Just Like That

It’s over so much the same as it began – a few weeks of anticipation, leading up to the final moment. It feels just as surreal to close this chapter as it did to open it.

I’ll never forget the day I first turned the key in the lock and opened the feed store. I couldn’t believe it was mine. So many ideas had come to mind in the weeks leading up to that moment, I had started a notebook just for the ideas.

I had too many ideas to know where to start, and I started too many ideas too fast, and lacked the follow through necessary to truly know which ideas were successful and which ideas weren’t. (This tends to be a recurring problem for me. I’m working on it.)

Knowing how many ideas were left untried, and walking out that door for the proverbial last time (I mean, I’m sure I’ll be back to buy feed), was downright hard. I put so much of myself in to that store. But things don’t always go the way we think they should, or even will.

A dear friend called today in the middle of me counting failures and kindly but adamantly reminded me I was looking at it all wrong. Sure, I could count failures if I wanted to, there surely are failures to count. But she pointed out that with all our family walked through in the last several months, I chose my family. I chose to be with them, available to them, present for them.

And she helped me clear my head so much. Instead of counting failures or even feeling like this happened to me, I could see the choices I made. And as I write this, while I acknowledge disappointment and things that could have gone different or better, I don’t regret that I chose my family. I didn’t bury myself in my work and wait for the storm to pass.

In 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades, I know I will be glad for investing my time and energy in my children, regardless of leaving a business behind. I think in a few short years, had I made the store the priority, I would have realized my kids were grown and I wouldn’t be able to get that time back.

I think this is one of those times where I am learning to say no to something good, to be able to say yes to the best.

Posted in family, life, marriage, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Selfishness Shows Up

October started rough for our family. I’m still not sure that writing about specifically what happened is the right thing to do, so suffice it to say, I’ve never been more scared in my life, and I’ve never seen God move faster or come to my rescue more evidently, ever. (And I’ve seen God do some pretty cool stuff.) It is humbling to have a front row seat to a miracle of God – knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that no human power did the work He did.

Because of the rough start of our month, I have been deeply introspective, journaling a little (not enough, honestly) and trying to really determine how to use this situation as a launching pad to serve God more faithfully, allowing Him to change my heart and mind, and move me toward His purposes. He has guarded my heart from the deep guilt that paces the edges, the voice of the enemy trying to tell lies in the midst of our crisis. But God has been faithful every moment of every day.

As I’ve been looking inward and praying, I thought my parenting would be the first, and maybe only, area where I would see a deep need to be renewed and to pursue Jesus more faithfully. And without a doubt, I am working on some very specific things in my parenting. It would take more than a blog series to write about all of it. Some day, maybe, it will be part of a book. If I ever get around to writing like I should.

This particular revelation came as a shock to me. As I thought back on the roughest days, and the worst moments, I saw my own selfishness rise and rear its ugly head. Where I saw it the most, pains me to say, was in regard to my husband.

“Go get me … xyz.”

“Run back to the house for … xyz.”

Even the countless coffee deliveries – I never once said, “Will you grab my Mister a mocha?” It’s not like I can shrug and say I don’t know what he drinks.

Some of the memories of those days are cloudy because of everything that was going on, but I don’t think I ever said, “How are you?” “Are you ok?” “Are you holding up?” “What do you need?”

Despite his tough exterior and his desire to spend his afternoons in peace and quiet (which is laughable with 7 kids), I married a man who serves me in all ways. He always looks out for what I need, for how much rest I am getting, makes sure I get a shower, makes sure I am eating. He wakes me in the morning when I snooze the alarm, he reminds me to get to bed at a decent hour. His actions and words remind me daily that I am a priority to him. And then there are those moments that he whispers how beautiful I am and he completely takes my breath away.

Then there is me – I can’t remember to order his cheeseburgers without onions, don’t match his socks, don’t even think to request a mocha on his behalf.

If you had asked me in September if I thought I was a selfish person, I may have (pridefully…oops) said that no, I don’t think I struggle with selfishness. But now, I see it plainly, and I am clearly more selfish than I even realized.

With these realizations, I am humbled by the grace of God and the gift of Jesus. I am grateful that I get a new day to try again, that the people around me love me and support me, and don’t give up on me.

To my husband….I’ll be working on it. I am so grateful for the way you love me and the millions of small, often thankless, things you do for me. Thank you for being there for me and with me through thick and thin. I love you.

Until Next Time,
blue signature

 

 

 

Posted in communication, faith, family, life, marriage | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment