Selfishness Shows Up

October started rough for our family. I’m still not sure that writing about specifically what happened is the right thing to do, so suffice it to say, I’ve never been more scared in my life, and I’ve never seen God move faster or come to my rescue more evidently, ever. (And I’ve seen God do some pretty cool stuff.) It is humbling to have a front row seat to a miracle of God – knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that no human power did the work He did.

Because of the rough start of our month, I have been deeply introspective, journaling a little (not enough, honestly) and trying to really determine how to use this situation as a launching pad to serve God more faithfully, allowing Him to change my heart and mind, and move me toward His purposes. He has guarded my heart from the deep guilt that paces the edges, the voice of the enemy trying to tell lies in the midst of our crisis. But God has been faithful every moment of every day.

As I’ve been looking inward and praying, I thought my parenting would be the first, and maybe only, area where I would see a deep need to be renewed and to pursue Jesus more faithfully. And without a doubt, I am working on some very specific things in my parenting. It would take more than a blog series to write about all of it. Some day, maybe, it will be part of a book. If I ever get around to writing like I should.

This particular revelation came as a shock to me. As I thought back on the roughest days, and the worst moments, I saw my own selfishness rise and rear its ugly head. Where I saw it the most, pains me to say, was in regard to my husband.

“Go get me … xyz.”

“Run back to the house for … xyz.”

Even the countless coffee deliveries – I never once said, “Will you grab my Mister a mocha?” It’s not like I can shrug and say I don’t know what he drinks.

Some of the memories of those days are cloudy because of everything that was going on, but I don’t think I ever said, “How are you?” “Are you ok?” “Are you holding up?” “What do you need?”

Despite his tough exterior and his desire to spend his afternoons in peace and quiet (which is laughable with 7 kids), I married a man who serves me in all ways. He always looks out for what I need, for how much rest I am getting, makes sure I get a shower, makes sure I am eating. He wakes me in the morning when I snooze the alarm, he reminds me to get to bed at a decent hour. His actions and words remind me daily that I am a priority to him. And then there are those moments that he whispers how beautiful I am and he completely takes my breath away.

Then there is me – I can’t remember to order his cheeseburgers without onions, don’t match his socks, don’t even think to request a mocha on his behalf.

If you had asked me in September if I thought I was a selfish person, I may have (pridefully…oops) said that no, I don’t think I struggle with selfishness. But now, I see it plainly, and I am clearly more selfish than I even realized.

With these realizations, I am humbled by the grace of God and the gift of Jesus. I am grateful that I get a new day to try again, that the people around me love me and support me, and don’t give up on me.

To my husband….I’ll be working on it. I am so grateful for the way you love me and the millions of small, often thankless, things you do for me. Thank you for being there for me and with me through thick and thin. I love you.

Until Next Time,
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Selfishness

I’d like to think I’m generally grateful for the many blessings in my life, and that my eyes and heart are open to seeing more of the good than the bad. Yet, the last few days the exact opposite has been true. I’ve been blinded by a severe case of the “I want’s” and the “Gimmees”.

At first, I thought I would write about what it is I’m wanting, and why it’s SOOOO important. But, the truth is, it’s not that important. Somehow, though, the enemy has completely distracted me from what is good in my life and I’ve allowed myself to get seriously upset about some things I don’t have. Yes, things. Like, material possessions.

And admitting that is hard. Because I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to be angry about a possession I don’t have right now. But I am. I am frustrated to the point of tears and I’m tempted to stomp my feet because “I deserve…” but that’s not the truth.

The truth is that I am extremely blessed. I am surrounded by children that I love and that love me. My husband works hard to take care of us. He loves me well and accepts me for who I am. He supports me and my crazy hair-brained ideas. The truth about what I deserve is that I deserve death, because I am a sinner. But, by the unmeasurable grace of God, I am saved. Christ bought me for a price.

This doesn’t make the selfishness go away immediately, but it puts it in perspective so I can dry my eyes and clean my house. And, I think the main reason I wanted to write this is because sometimes I feel like my writing is too idealistic. And honestly, I’m a real wife, mom, woman, who struggles with real life issues, too.

What are you struggling with? How will you overcome your struggle?