It Changes Things

We all have moments in life that change things. Things that happen over time, or things that happen in an instant, but they change our perspective, our attitude, or even the entire course of our life.

I had one of those moments this year. After finally discussing with my doctor some of the things I experience that aren’t quite within the range of normal, she sent me for an MRI. I guess when I shared the reading with a friend, and googled some of the terminology, I realized what it said, but the truly defining moment happened with doctor officially said it:

Chiari Malformation I.

I told myself in the days following that appointment that learning I have Chiari changes nothing. I’ve had it my whole life, and our God is mighty and protective and He had carried me through all of the things that I’d done in life.

But the truth is, when she said to watch jarring or bouncing activities, and to be conscious of anything that could cause a brain injury, it really changed a lot of things.

In some ways, it feels like finding out I have Chiari changed everything. Some times it is empowering to be learning what can trigger my headaches (which she classified as migraines, but I still have a hard time calling them that). Some times it is disappointing to know that it’s not in my best interest to ride roller coasters or go sky diving.

I even drive differently. I’ve always been a cautious driver, but even more so now. I don’t want to find out what whiplash means to my brain hernia. I just don’t.

Having a name for it, really being able to tell myself there is a reason for the bad days has helped ease my guilt over those days – so just because naming it changed everything, some of those changes are good changes. Before I knew, I beat myself up when I couldn’t get something done, when the pain was too much, and I had to give in. I pushed through the bad pain days and didn’t give my body the rest it needed, which just resulted in worse days.

I’ve been actively working on giving myself permission to rest when I need it. To listen to the start of the pain, and ease up a little, slow down a little. It’s not easy, I’m a work in progress.

I’m also learning to rely on Jesus more and more. His strength is made perfect in my weakness and this isn’t permanent. This world is not my home and I know whether I see healing on this side of Glory or not, when I enter in to Heaven’s Gate to worship my God and my Savior, there will be no more pain, no more suffering, no more brain hernia.

One of my favorite things about this journey this year is seeing how God was working years ago, leading up to this point. He put some very specific people in my life to speak words of life, healing, and love over me and to me. He sent me friends that would point me ever toward Him, reminding me to praise, helping me see the good, lifting me up, and never letting me feel alone.

It’s a pretty big thing to say I learned my brain is falling out of my head this year, and to also be able to say, “But I haven’t felt alone on this road.”

I remember telling myself as I sat down in the seat of my car after my doctor’s appointment, “I’ll never write about this. It doesn’t get to change my writing. It doesn’t change anything.” Cue writer’s block, because writing is how I process life. So I’m writing about it, and I’ll mention it when it’s relevant I’m sure, but that’s not all I’ll write about. In fact, of all the things Chiari could change for me, it doesn’t take writing away, and that is a great relief to me.

Chiari wasn’t the first thing that ever changed everything for me, and I doubt it will be the last. It’s just the most recent, the thing that I’m learning about in this season of life.

Have you ever had a “changed everything” moment in life? Tell me about it in the comments.

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D3 – What Kind of Person Attracts You?

My husband.

I’m going to answer this from a different perspective than typical “attraction” – because my husband is so much more than my best friend, and he is really a blessing from God. I am thoroughly attracted to him, and I think that overall, that makes for such a short post in this particular contest.

So how about people I’m drawn to?

Grouchy old people. Okay, I’m a sap for elderly people in general – I love when they delight over babies, and small wonders, and I love how they strike up conversations about what once was. But I particularly love grouchy old people. I don’t know why, in fact, I often feel a sense of sadness over their grouchiness and bitterness. I always try to find a way to make them smile. I wonder, often, what trials made them so hard, and if that hard shell will crack and break and fall away before the end of their lifetime.

I am also deeply drawn to people who love Jesus fiercely and openly. They remind me to  be bold with my faith, focused in my pursuit of Christ, and they spread hope every where they go. I can’t help but be drawn to and inspired by them.

So how about you, what kind of person are you drawn to?

 

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Day Two

How have you changed in the past 2 years?

What a question…day 1 – what weird thing do you do when alone… day 2 – This?! How haven’t I changed in the last two years?

I guess as I pause between typing lines, I have to acknowledge that the last 2 years, while a roller coaster in many ways, has also pointed me toward God, solidified relationships, and helped me to see many things in a clearer way.

Two years ago I knew I was carrying my last baby – 7 kids is plenty they say. I (kind of almost) agree. Especially when her royal highness wakes up too early, misses a nap, or is otherwise perturbed. 7 kids is plenty. She’s the type of kid that might make you think twice about having a second if she came first.

Knowing that she was the last of the babies I would birth and watch grow, I’ve embraced her moments more fiercely. I’ve watched with the wonder I had for my firstborn, with the wisdom I have now. It’s been a time of joy and sadness as I come to grips with what it really means to me to have ended my child bearing years.

We went from financial high to financial low in the last two years. That’s been humbling and devastating. It’s reminded me not to be too big for my britches, and that God is our provider – no matter how much we try to do it for ourselves.

I feel less patient, which is the opposite direction I want to go with this particular skill. I feel like I should be saying I’m more patient and less gets under my skin. But if I’m being honest, I feel a little more anxious now. A little more nervous. A lot less patient.

One of the best things that is different now than two years ago is how much closer my husband and I are. I don’t spend as many days watching him and wondering why he has one foot out the door, wondering why he isn’t all in. This change, while it took time and some definite heartache, is a treasure. We’re going through some stuff, and knowing he’s right beside me, both feet in, has been a huge relief.

Two years is a lot of time that goes by so quickly. To look back over the last two years makes me realize I need to work on the patience thing, and really focus on valuing each day, making the most of each moment.

I’ll be back with more tomorrow.

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